There were five whole years when I didn’t go to confession. It started when I was in my first year of college. There was a sin I was too embarrassed to admit out loud. When I started to feel guilty about it, I convinced myself that it wasn’t really bad and maybe wasn’t even a sin (oh, the lies we tell ourselves…). Eventually, I fell out of the habit of going.
On the outside, I was a great Catholic. I was leading the music for my campus ministry, and I was one of the Friday rosary group coordinators. As I moved into graduate school, I started volunteering on a youth ministry core team. I was active in my faith: I never missed Mass, went on tons of retreats, loved stopping by the adoration chapel, and always stood up for my faith.
Except … something was missing. And I could feel it.
There’s a popular praise and worship song called “O Come to the Altar” by Elevation Worship that starts with the following lyrics: “Are you hurting and broken within? Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin? Jesus is calling.”
Because of the fall of Adam and Eve, humanity fell out of a state of grace and sin entered the world. All humans experience moments of hurt and brokenness. Sometimes this happens because of the sins of others and the imperfect nature of the world. Sometimes this happens because of our own sins and the choices we make that separate us from God.
This might sound like a hopeless end to the story, the opposite of a fairy tale where we can’t live happily ever after. However, one of the best things about being Catholic is our access to forgiveness and healing through the sacrament of reconciliation! The Catechism says, “the whole power of the sacrament of Penance consists in restoring us to God’s grace and joining us with him in intimate friendship” (CCC 1468).
God sees you. He knows what you’ve done, he knows why you’ve done it (or why you’ve failed to do it), yet he loves you unconditionally. Rest assured that you don’t need to heal yourself or conquer your sins on your own.
The power of reconciliation is found in his grace and mercy, not your personal willpower. The sacrament promises restoration and relationship with God – these are the desires of our hearts, and they are available to us within our own parishes!
Jesus was calling me into intimate friendship with him, and the burden of my sins was beginning to overwhelm me. I somehow found the courage to go to a reconciliation service on my campus. I spent time beforehand writing down my sins in a journal, taking it one step at a time. I struggled through my confession with the priest, but I made it through the hardest part: coming back.
A year later, I was at a Life Teen conference for youth ministers, and I was moved to go to reconciliation again. Slowly, but surely, I was moving closer to God’s heart. I had many of the same sins to confess – and I still had a remarkably hard time saying them out loud – but the priest was very gentle and kind with me.
He walked with me more deeply than I was used to and gave me a unique penance: to list ten things I could do the next time I was tempted, instead of committing a particular sin. Then he took the time to help me come up with the first three. In that experience, I knew the tenderness of God and was assured of Jesus’ desire for me to be healed and brought into full communion.
Lent is a time of conversion, of rending our hearts and turning back to God. Parishes do a great job of providing opportunities for this. Between increased opportunities for reconciliation and adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and added book studies and gathered devotions, the message is clear: Jesus is calling each of us back to his heart.
If you have a family member who hasn’t been to church recently, take courage and invite them to come with you to reconciliation (they might say yes, you never know!). Bring up reconciliation with your friends; even faithful Catholics sometimes need the encouragement or accountability of a friend to make the sacrament more approachable.
And if you haven’t gone in a while – whether it’s been six months or 60 years – know that you’re not alone, but that the tender forgiveness of God is available right now. As the Elevation Worship song says: “Leave behind your regrets and mistakes. Come today, there’s no reason to wait. Jesus is calling.”
Katie Yankoski is the associate director of youth and young adults in the Office for Evangelization. She leads the contemporary band at St. Edward the Confessor, Richmond, where she used to be youth minister. Though often mistaken as an extrovert, she recharges on days off by reading and baking.